Loosen My Grip

Loosen My Grip
by Ted Loder

O God, it is hard for me to let go,
most times,
and the squeeze I exert
garbles me and gnarls others.
So, loosen my grip a bit
on the good times,
on the moments of sunlight and star shine and joy,
that the thousand graces they scatter as they pass
may nurture growth in me
rather than turn to brittle memories.

Loosen my grip
on those grudges and grievances
I hold so closely,
that I may risk exposing myself
to the spirit of forgiving and forgiveness
that changes things and resurrects dreams and courage.

Loosen my grip
on my fears
that I may be released a little into humility
and into an acceptance of my humanity.

Loosen my grip
on myself
that I may experience the freedom of a fool
who knows that to believe
is to see kingdoms, find power, sense glory;
to reach out
is to know myself held;
to laugh at myself
is to be in on the joke of your grace;
to attend to each moment
is to hear the faint melody of eternity;
to dare love
is to hear the wild flowers of heaven.

Loosen my grip
On my ways and words,
On my fears and fretfulness
that letting go
into the depths of silence
and my own uncharted longings,
I may find myself held by you
and linked anew to all life
in this wild and wondrous world
you love so much,
so I may take to heart
that you have taken me to heart.

Loder, Ted. Guerrilas of Grace. Innisfree Press, Inc: 1984, 48-49.

Loosening my grip has been harder than I ever imagined. A couple weeks ago I was held up in our sweltering house for a week with a fever, headache, and cough. Let’s say it was an unconfirmed case of the flu, H1N1, who knows? Regardless what we name it, it was awfully unpleasant. At the beginning of the week, sleeping all day and drinking copious amounts of water was no big deal. I had no other desires. Toward the third and fourth days I was starting to feel a little trapped, which is easy to do in our house where is reaches 100 degrees during the day and is enclosed with concrete and razor wire. Books saved me: Guerrillas of Grace, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and most importantly The River Why. The prayer/poem Loosen My Grip really struck me when I was sick because I was so unable to let go, relax, and just let myself get better. I wanted to be better immediately. Why wait? I’m young, strong, intelligent, and couldn’t move more than to get to the bathroom and back. That was a hard realization. Reading The River Why was an incredible experience. I devoured the book, reading it in just two days. It brought out in me three things that I find key in my life: relationships, spirituality, and nature. It was an amazing and, for me, a life changing book.

It just started to rain. It hasn’t rained much this month. They say it’s El Niño that’s been causing the dry spell. In the words of Chris Farley, “El Niño is Spanish for, The Niño.” It sure is pouring right now. The temperature dropped about 15 degrees and the house is filled with the sound of the rain beating down on our tin roof. It is glorious. I need this cooling off before heading back to another week of work. I feel refreshed. (By the way, is there a hurricane coming through Central America because it is really raining!)

When Windshields Explode

Who knew that windshields could just spontaneously explode? I sure didn't. This weekend is a holiday weekend here in Nica. The 14th and 15th are yearly celebrations of Central American and Nicaraguan independence respectively. Yesterday, Megan and I were hitching a ride with friends up to Esteli with plans of continuing up to Somoto to do some hiking and more than anything retreat from the grind of Managuan life. Not half an hour outside of Managua the entire windshield exploded with a loud pop. We couldn't see anything through the spiderweb of splintered glass. After pulling over, Megan entertained the 2 and 5 year old kids in the car while Andrew, Fabien, and I picked glass from the front seats and the hole left by the glass. After waiting for about two hours in the midday sun a friend of theirs picked up Fabien, the kids, and Megan. Andrew and I drove the car back to their house in Managua, never getting over 25 mph. I was worried about inhaling glass dust and particles so I wore sunglasses and a bandit-style red bandanna over my mouth. We looked ridiculous driving through Managua with the front windshield completely gone. Once I finally got home I was exhausted and my slight cough that I woke up with had moved down into my chest. I had a fever of 100 and chills all evening. What a great way to spend vacation! Not. So much for mountains. Luckily they aren't going anywhere; nor am I.

Here is one of my new favorite bands, The Avett Brothers. I hope you enjoy em.

Take care and if anyone can explain to me how and why a windshield would spontaneously explode please let me know.
Also, any good music? Pass it my way! Thanks!